Wedding Etiquette 101

There are a lot more decisions to be made for your wedding than you ever expected. While you're planning the perfect flowers, the number of bridesmaids and the location for the rehearsal dinner, there are also some quandaries that are a little trickier. We talked to three southwest Missouri wedding coordinators who know all there is about wedding etiquette, so that you can properly address everything your big day throws your way. Are you responsible for a wedding-day babysitter? What should you do with tipsy Uncle Bob? Are you expected to tip the vendors? Sit back, relax, and let the coordinators lead you on the path to wedding perfection.


Q: I'm from Springfield, but I'm getting married in St. Louis. I want my local hairstylist to style my hair the day of the wedding. What am I expected to pay beyond the service? Should I pay for a hotel room because I'm essentially asking her to spend the night in town?

A: Yes. She is performing a service for you. You need to be very respectful for taking her time. She could be serving clients in Springfield that day. Pay for the service and then offer to pay for the gas and invite her to the event. That's a nice way to make her feel appreciated. -Martha Wright, Gracious Occasions

A: I would expect you to pay her travel both ways, food and lodging-any expense she would not normally incur. Some of the people like florists and photographers have this in their contracts already, so in that case I would not expect to pay for more. Check your contract. The price of gasoline today is not inexpensive, and it's wear and tear on the car. -Joyce Criswell, The Bride's Maid

Q: My fiancé and I are having a conflict over the seating arrangement at the reception. If we're having a formal wedding, is it uncouth to skip the fuss and not assign seating?

A: Personally, I think it's fine to skip the assigned seating, with the exception of the family and the wedding party. For those in the wedding party, I always encourage place cards. -Lenette Kujawa, Aflair

A: No problem at all. It's a pain. Really, the guests would prefer to choose their seating. Reserve tables for the groom's family and bride's family. Maybe you don't put the divorced parents next to each other, but across from each other. -J.C.

Q: I know that some family members and close friends must be invited to the wedding, even though there's a chance they will be inappropriate. What's the best way to plan for guests who are known to be a nuisance? 

A: It depends on what you consider a nuisance and how big a party it is. Sometimes I have to tell a bride, "Don't ever be embarrassed by who is in your family because it's family." If it's just Uncle Bob with the lampshade on his head, then you shouldn't let it bother you. Are you going to have 250 people in the room, and only 10 people will notice him? Or is it going to be in an intimate location with 50 people? Now if you have a small affair, it's far more embarrassing, and you might have to assign a family member or friend to take them home when they get drunk and obnoxious. Have them say, "Let's blow this joint and go have fun." Then they get them out of there without a fuss. And then, they just take them home. -J.C.

Q: When is the best time to give our gifts to the wedding party and our parents? Are there others we should include?

A: I think a good time is at the rehearsal dinner where it's very relaxed. You can also give gifts at bridal luncheons. A relaxed time before the actual day is the best. I think there are sometimes people who have given special attention to the bride or the groom. As far as giving gifts to other people, I think it is a very personal judgment call. -L.K.

A: Probably at the rehearsal dinner, a bridal luncheon or bachelorette party, where it's not a huge group. If you have a soloist or a good friend who is performing at the wedding, and she's not charging, then it might be a good idea to give her a gift. -M.W.

Q: My fiancé and I prefer to hold our wedding ceremony in the church I attended growing up. It doesn't seat more than 60 people. What is the most tactful way to handle this situation on the invitations?

A: The best way is to have just family and close friends at the wedding, and then have a large reception. I'd send out an invitation for the wedding and send out at separate invitation to the reception. Have it be an announcement to the share the celebration of our wedding. I would have several hours in between or even two or three weeks apart. I would not put them back-to-back. If there are going to be a lot of out-of-town people, have a morning wedding and late evening reception. Take the four to five hours to visit with out-of-town family. -L.K.

A: You have two invitations. The main one is an invitation to the reception, and the invitation to the wedding is a card that you insert just for the family members and close friends. When they realize it's a small church, people are very understanding. Just say you are
invited to the reception to celebrate the marriage, and make it two hours after the wedding, so you are there to greet your guests when they arrive, and they aren't waiting on you. -M.W.

Q: I don't want my fiancé's bachelor party to get crazy. Is it too controlling of me to ask the best man to make sure things don't get out of control?

A: You can ask the best man to hold the party a weekend or more in advance of the wedding, so that they aren't hungover for the ceremony. But don't tell the guys what to do. You aren't going to win. You can't say, "I do not want him going out and getting drunk and doing something crazy."  He either knows this already and will respect his bride's wishes, or he doesn't. Having someone else baby-sit him is too controlling, and he will not appreciate it. -J.C. 

A: I don't think so at all. I think it's your wedding, and you have that privilege to set some parameters. You want your day to be enjoyed and memorable. If that's something that's important to someone, she needs to go ahead and address it. -L.K.

Q: In terms of services and deliveries the day of the wedding, who am I expected to tip, and how much is expected for each?

A: That's a hard call because some people have already added their tips in. Limo drivers get a tip. That's pretty much 15 to 18 percent. The florist and the baker are not particularly expected to get a tip if they deliver on-site. You pay the minister. Some won't give a specific amount; other ministers will ask $125 plus gratuity when they are hired. Photographers don't generally expect a tip. Occasionally they will get tipped if the couple thinks they went above and beyond. I normally will not handle the money. I ask them to have the best man do that-sometimes the father. I try to avoid handling any money. I tell the bride to pay everyone up front. The DJ will get a tip. I've seen from $50 on up. A lot of live bands have it in their contract already. -J.C.

A: The majority of times the gratuity is already included. That's something to ask during the planning. I've had people tip me, but that's just out of their graciousness. I don't encourage it at all. You should tip the hairstylists; that's pretty customary. I generally take care of it, if that's what the couple would like. I don't encourage my bride and groom to handle any money on the day. I tell them to prepare all of their envelopes with the tips for each service. I'll take them that day and distribute them. -L.K.

Q: My fiancé wants to register for expensive items such as a plasma TV and a sound system. I think this will make us look greedy. What is appropriate when it comes to the registry?

A: I would recommend that if that's something the couple wants, they could voice that to the family and maybe the family can go in together to get that. Probably just leave that off the registry. -L.K.

A: It's fine if you balance it off with smaller items. I have couples that do register for large items for family members to go together on. You can only do that if you also register for the potato peeler at Target, especially if it's college kids getting married who have a lot of friends in college who simply don't have as much money. -J.C. 

Q: I'd prefer not to have small kids running amok at my wedding, but I have a large extended family, and uninviting their kids is not an option. How do I handle the kiddies on the big day?

A: Have a children's room available with childcare workers and some coloring books and videos to watch. Keep in mind that some parents may not want to leave their children in the care of others at the wedding. Ask the ushers to seat families with children in the last few rows of the chapel in case of the need for a quick exit. -L.K.

A: At the reception, arrange for a child's corner with a TV and a coloring station. Always have the children eat with their parents, but make special accommodations such as high chairs for them to sit in. -J.C. 
 
Q: I'm planning a large wedding, but my budget is not very big. How much can I reasonably ask my bridesmaids chip in? Am I rude if I ask them to help pay for their bouquets?

A: I would never ask a bridesmaid to pay for her bouquet. It is not unreasonable for the bridesmaids to pay for their hair, makeup, shoes and dress. Theoretically, the flowers are not just the bride's expense. According to tradition, the groom's family is responsible for paying for a number of things in the wedding, part of which includes the cost of flowers. -J.C.
 
A: Yes, that is a little rude. Since bouquets can get pretty expensive, rather than asking for the bridesmaids to chip in, find a way to cut the cost of their bouquets by doing something simple such as carrying a single flower. If your budget is this limited, then don't have a huge bridal party. Know your limits and tailor your wedding party to your budget. -M.W.

Q: We are having a buffet meal at our reception. We want to keep it simple, but we don't want it to be so bare that picky eaters can't find anything they like. Do you have any tips for pleasing the whole crowd?

A: Try to choose a variety of flavors including a choice of meats and a vegetarian option. Mixing up the flavors will help create the illusion of a wide variety. Choose foods with lots of color and those that excite the palette, such as baby carrots in a honey glaze sauce and a three-bean salad with a tart dressing. Don't let your food be bland-unique foods help to overshadow keeping it simple. A lot of caterers will actually make a favorite family recipe to keep a tradition going on the menu. -J.C.
 
Q: My fiancé's best man and my maid of honor dated in college and had a really messy breakup. Since then, they've been known to cause tension when they are together. I can't imagine either of them not being there. So what can I do to help keep things rolling smoothly?

A: During the rehearsal and the ceremony, don't match them up going up and down the aisle! Long before the wedding day, sit down with them either together or separately and let them know how much they mean to you. Explain to them that if they don't think they can conduct themselves properly, then they shouldn't be a part of the wedding. -J.C.

A: Remember the people in your bridal party are adults. Even in difficult family situations, most people are on their very best behavior for the wedding, especially if they are so close to you that they are honor attendants. -M.W.
 
Q: Is there anything I can do during prep to keep my bridesmaids well-fed and hydrated and to keep them from getting bored while we are all being primped and put together?

A: Always have some light snacks and water, no colored drinks that can spill on the dresses. It's fun to have someone shooting some pictures of you getting ready, which is a nice way to make some memories and keep it interesting. -L.K.

A: Remember, if you start drinking mimosas at 10 a.m., the aura of the wedding day is going to be changed, and not necessarily for the better. Have small sandwiches and only water to avoid stains on the
dresses. -M.W.
 
Q: What do I do if people show up who never RSVPed? I wanted them at my wedding; that's why I invited them. But now we're short on seats. How do I handle this?

A: Always take your final number of RSVPs and add half of the people who have not responded to the head count. For example, if you have 20 people who never responded, then add 10 seats to your final count. Make sure you go through your list before giving your caterer the final number, as you may know some people who are attending, even if their card was not returned. -M.W.

Q: My fiancé and I want to do the traditional removal of the garter belt (with the new husband's teeth), but my very conservative family probably won't be able to handle it. Is there any way to convince them to lighten up?

A: Do it later in the reception when only the heavy partiers are left. If those who would be offended are conservative, chances are they will leave before it happens. -L.K.

A: I tell all my brides that at some point, you have to let your parents know that you are adults and that you and your husband-to-be have chosen to do something. Eventually, a bride will have to turn to her parents and say, "This is my wedding." -J.C.

Editor's note: Lenette Kujawa, owner of Aflair, is a licensed event planner and wedding consultant affiliated with the Association of Certified Professional Wedding Consultants. You can contact her at 417-861-2873 or by visit her website at aflairevents.com. Joyce Criswell, The Bride's Maid, has worked in Springfield for 6 years. You can visit her website at thebridesmaid.net or contact her at 417-883-2730. Martha Wright, owner of Gracious Occasions, is a licensed bridal professional with the Association of Bridal Consultants. You can contact her at 417-889-6655. Additional reporting by Jannah Swink