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Chad the Dad Talks Resolutions

Chad Harris, a stand-up comic and regular contributor to The Mystery Hour, answers questions about New Year's resolutions.

By Chad Harris

Jan 2020

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Photos by Brandon AlmsChad the Dad talks kid-sized New Year's resolutions. Purchase Photo

Are kid-sized resolutions a thing for the New Year?

It’s great when anyone tries to improve themselves, be it an adult ready to leap into their final year of life or an itty-bitty child just starting their journey. Toddlers can grasp the concept, but so often we fail to ask about their intentions for the new year. I’ve compiled some toddler-friendly resolutions where the tykes can resolve to: stop peeing on strangers (This one’s aimed at babies. Usually.); limit the number of boogers wiped on the wall next to the bed; throw hissy fits in another language, via a few key phrases; only blow diapers out to the shoulder blades once every 6 months; eat with the elegance of a dog eating peanut butter; nap with open eyes to freak out parents; throw a sippy cup at last 12 feet, or into the nearest wall; laugh infectiously after a grown-up has told a sad story; make larger online purchases on unguarded iPhones; limit pulling a dog’s tail until after the dog is asleep; finger-paint walls in only secondary colors; ask more people at the store if they are their “real” parent; only flush puzzle pieces with straight edges down the toilet; or push more buttons on elevators. See, toddlers are actively seeking to improve their lives just as much as anyone else. In fact, they might be more successful in keeping their resolutions.

ASK CHAD THE DAD

ASK CHAD

Chad (the Dad) realizes it takes a village to raise a child. He maintains you should raise your own damn kids, but don’t mess it up for the rest of us. C(TD) claims not to provide helpful advice.