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Life

Prepare for the Easter Egg Hunt of Your Life with Chad the Dad

Chad Harris, a stand-up comic and regular contributor to The Mystery Hour, hits the stage as Chad the Dad. This month, he’s answering questions about navigating life in The Ozarks—from a dad’s perspective.

By Chad Harris

Apr 2019

How do I enjoy “my” songs when my kids are in the car?

I understand Kid’s Bop can be soul-sucking, and Disney tunes can drive you crazy. After hours of children’s songs, I find relief in my favorite jams. But you have to choose your release tunes carefully and navigate the minefield of poor language. Should you elect to crank up a song that you know has a dirty word or two in a verse, plan ahead. A well-placed cough, grunt or replacement word will most likely do the trick.

Give it a big “A-HEM!” during the curse verse. Burst out a “BLESS YOU” while banging your head. Whip out a “WITCH” during your rap song of choice. If the word in question is in the chorus, skip the song. This technique will become obvious and your children will pop the question “What does that word mean?” to which you will reply, “Ask your teacher,” before flipping back to Kid’s Bop in a station-change-of-shame. 


What should I expect at an Easter egg hunt with my kids?

Easter egg hunts are simply Halloween where you only go to one house: the Lord’s. 417-land cranks out dozens of Easter egg hunts at local churches, so you can hit multiple venues to optimize your hunt. Below are tips, according to the age of your children, to help you plan strategic advantages for gathering candy: 

Ages 2 to 5: These kids lack speed and mobility. It might make sense to get them jacked up on pixie sticks before the event to help them cover more ground. 

Ages 6 to 11: This group can get pushy; outfit your child in rough and tumble clothing that can handle a grass stain and ensure they have padded elbows and knees. Remind your spawn that there is no time to open eggs; this is about collection. Research shows most time is spent grabbing an egg and placing it into a basket, so outfit your egg warrior with a scoop, pool skimmer or preferably a landing net from a fishing store with a deep, sturdy mesh for optimal collection. An adjustable landing net eliminates the rookie mistake of a dumped basket and can be altered to your child’s height. Proper planning is the first step to any good hunt. Know the land you’ll be hunting on, and you’ll be eating Cadbury Crème Eggs and Peeps all the way to the Battlefield Mall for a terrifying photo with the Eater Bunny. 

ASK CHAD THE DAD

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Chad (the Dad) is a husband, father and comic who realizes it takes a village to raise a child, yet parents can’t dump their kids in the village square where the village idiot becomes a bad influence. He maintains that you should raise your own damn kids to make the world a better place—have fun, but don’t mess it up for the rest of us. Send your questions to him at standup@chadthedadharris.comC(TD) is not a parenting expert, holds no relevant degrees and claims not to provide helpful advice.