Chad the Dad and Kid-Safe Fireworks

Chad Harris, a stand-up comic and regular contributor to The Mystery Hour, hits the stage as Chad the Dad. This month, he’s answering questions about navigating life in 417-land—from a dad’s perspective.

By Chad Harris

Jul 2019

Chad the Dad also known as Chad Harris, a comedian in Springfield, MO.
Photo by Brandon AlmsComedian Chad Harris gives advice on how to navigate kids, fireworks, and ticks. Purchase Photo

Are there kid-safe fireworks?

For starters, I wouldn’t let kids go wild with bottle rockets—call me old-fashioned, but some things are more dangerous than others. That said, there are several other thrills kids can enjoy while celebrating ’Merica’s birthday:

Cut a Black Snake into fourths, stuff the pieces into your aunt’s pack of Virginia Slims on the sly, and wait for her to light up. 

End up with a ton of sparklers at the end of the night? Grab an apple and hang it from a branch. Push the sparklers into the fruit, light ’em up, and you have a spinning display of Fourth of July patriotism.  

Teaching children to be safe with fireworks is essential. Showing them what not to do, like throwing poppers at a sleeping grandparent, is crucial.

How do I check my kid for ticks?

The Ozarks are great for floating, camping and hiking, but that means exposing yourself to unwanted visitors known as vampire freckles. It’s always good to teach your child to look for ticks. Let them know if they find a tick, they should scream and run in a straight line as fast as possible and refuse help from anyone who is not a trained medical professional. My kid demanded I take him to the infirmary to have a tick removed at summer camp. I offered to remove it with a lighter and some granola flakes but he wanted more “advanced” medicine.

Chad the Dad


Chad the Dad realizes it takes a village to raise a child. 
He maintains you should raise your own damn kids, but don’t mess it up for the rest of us. 
Send questions to
CTD claims not to provide helpful advice.