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Life

Chad The Dad Covers Rules of the Pool and Dreaded Hangnails

Chad Harris, a stand-up comic and contributor to The Mystery Hour, hits the stage as Chad the Dad. This month, he answers questions about navigating life in 417-land—from a dad’s perspective.

By Chad Harris

Jun 2019

Stand up comic Chad Harris takes the stage as "Chad the Dad"
Photo by Brandon AlmsStand up Comic Chad Harris takes the stage as "Chad the Dad" Purchase Photo

How to best Cut My Kid’s Fingernails?  

Kids are wiggly. Especially while trimming cuticles. They jiggle, talk with their hands, reach for something nearby—all while you brandish a miniature cutting device not made for precision. They trust you to keep them safe, but you know one wrong wiggle will yield a torrent of child-sized tears. Although enticing, please forgo duct taping your kid’s hands to the sink and try these suggestions: 

1. Play music to get in rhythm with the child. As they head bob, pick up the same timing. Two, three, four, snip, snip, snip, snip. See,  you’re in balance now. 
2. Challenge the kiddo to find more flying fingernails than you can. They will hold still in anticipation of the coming nail shards        spinning through the air. 
3. Clip nails while the child sleeps. 

How Can I Get Kids To Walk at the Pool? 

#Poollife is in full swing, but that sinister pool deck is eager to take down any child with the slightest misstep. My once–5-year-old son learned this lesson when one nasty fall led to several nurses immobilizing his flailing, demon-possessed, needle-fearing body while a doctor stitched up the back of his scalp. To answer the question: Stitches help prevent running at the pool. In fact, instead of “please walk,” I think lifeguards should bellow out “no stitches!”

ASK CHAD THE DAD

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Chad (the Dad) realizes it takes a village to raise a child. He maintains you should raise your own damn kids to make the world a better place—have fun, but don’t mess it up for the rest of us. Send questions to standup@chadthedadharris.com C(TD) is not a parenting expert and claims not to provide helpful advice.